


Shattered hearts

by mckvch (RaiseYourVoice)



Series: Tumblr prompts [20]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst with a Happy Ending, Aromantic Raphael Santiago, Asexual Raphael Santiago, Break Up, Getting Back Together, Kissing, M/M, Party, Tumblr Prompt, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-24 10:14:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9717641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaiseYourVoice/pseuds/mckvch
Summary: "You can't say it back. Why haven't you said so earlier? All the other times I said it? I thought you just weren't ready yet but if you already know youcan'tlove me, why not say it outright instead of leading me on?!" Raphael tried to hide the pain and anger swirling in his chest, masking his emotions with a cold mask.Magnus had warned him, told him it was a bad choice to start something with Simon because the guy had almost managed to two-time and even if he had been 16 at the time, he still seemed so very undecided when it came to his love life. He clearly couldn't make up his mind about what he wanted, not back then and not now. Raphael had known it was a risk and he had to fight down the urge to place the blame on himself - to revert back to the thinking that maybe him being asexual and aromantic was the reason why Simon couldn't commit to this.The one person he developed romantic feelings for, the one person he actually fell in love with, and here they were, apparently about to break up on Valentine's Day. It felt like a big, cosmic joke and Raphael suddenly felt so damn tired.





	

**Author's Note:**

> _Could you write also their previous break up please?? My prompt is this: Raphael and Simon were together. Last year on Valentine's day, Simon broke up with him because Raphael wanted more. Since then, they don't have other stories or partners. This year on Valentine's day, they are invited by Magnus to his party. Raphael goes there with someone and Simon gets really jealous because Raphael is his._
> 
> Okay, I kind of skipped the jealousy part but I hope it still turned out okay :)

"What do you mean _I can't_?" Raphael stared at his boyfriend and he tried to push the rising anxiousness in his chest down, not let it take over because this probably sounded worse than it actually was, right?

"It means just that. I--I can't move in with you. This is developing a little too fast and I don't--I don't know" Simon paused and took a deep breath, clearly not knowing how to end the sentence, while Raphael's eyebrows drew together. Somewhere, deep down, he had been prepared for something like this to happen but it was still painful because he suddenly just _knew_ the outcome of this.

"Too fast? We've been dating for over a year and I'm just asking you to move in with me, not marry me," he replied with a sigh and drew his hand back, fingers curling around the offered key before slipping it into his pocket because it was clear that Simon wasn't about to accept it. It was Raphael's turn to take a deep breath and he barely kept himself from averting his gaze like his still-boyfriend did, staring at the floor with slumped shoulders and a defeated expression.

"I love you," Raphael stated and it wasn't a soft declaration, as usual, it was something demanding an answer. He had only said it a few times by now but Simon never met him with the same words, always finding a way to avoid saying it back with other statements or by kissing him. This time, though, Raphael wouldn't be okay with Simon avoiding it. He wanted an answer and finally know where they were standing because he really wasn't sure anymore if calling them boyfriends was even appropriate anymore.

"I--I know and I...you're really important to me and I love to spend time with you. I just--I can't--"

"You can't say it back. Why haven't you said so earlier? All the other times I said it? I thought you just weren't ready yet but if you already know you _can't_ love me, why not say it outright instead of leading me on?!" Raphael tried to hide the pain and anger swirling in his chest, masking his emotions with a cold mask.

Magnus had warned him, told him it was a bad choice to start something with Simon because the guy had almost managed to two-time and even if he had been 16 at the time, he still seemed so very undecided when it came to his love life. He clearly couldn't make up his mind about what he wanted, not back then and not now. Raphael had known it was a risk and he had to fight down the urge to place the blame on himself - to revert back to the thinking that maybe him being asexual and aromantic was the reason why Simon couldn't commit to this.

The one person he developed romantic feelings for, the one person he actually fell in love with, and here they were, apparently about to break up on Valentine's Day. It felt like a big, cosmic joke and Raphael suddenly felt so damn tired.

"Maybe...maybe we can take a little break?" Simon's suggestion was barely above a whisper and Raphael ignored the way the other's voice shook slightly because Simon had no right to act hurt. He was the one who was ruining it, after all.

"Leave." One word, cutting through the brief silence like a knife. Part of him hoped that Simon wouldn't listen, that he would try to save this and apologise for the way he acted. He did actually mumble an apology but it was followed by him turning around and actually leaving. Raphael stood in the middle of his kitchen, untouched food on the table and a key digging into the palm of his hand while his heart felt like it was falling apart.

He should have listened to Magnus. He should never have agreed when Simon had asked him out on a date almost 1 1/2 years ago. He shouldn't have fallen in love with a man who never knew what it was that he wanted, who was unable to commit to someone.

* * *

He only saw Simon once afterwards, when they met up to exchange their belongings they had left at each other's places. The encounter had been beyond cold and Simon hadn't tried to talk much, clearly intimidated by Raphael's coldness.

Raphael had decided to leave New York for a while, not only to avoid running into Simon but also to pick up the pieces of himself. The good thing about having a good position in a big company was the rather easy way to get a chance of being transferred to another branch office across the country or, in his case, in a different country. He spend almost a whole year living in London, working in their branch office there and re-connecting with Ragnor, an old college friend he had stayed in contact with via phone calls and emails.

During some days he almost managed to forget about Simon but as soon as he lay in bed at night, without a warm body to curl up to, his heart started to ache for the young man. He missed the other's smile, his ridiculous graphic shirts, stupid puns and bright smile. He missed the way Simon had kissed and touched him like it had meaning, with a sense of _love_ that clearly had been a figment of Raphael's imagination in the end.

* * *

When Raphael finally transferred back to New York almost a year later, his best friend Magnus invited him to a Valentine's Day party a few days after his return. He tried to come up with excuses why he couldn't go but Magnus's stubbornness ended up winning over his. Raphael tried to make himself believe that he was mostly over Simon but the thought of Valentine's Day and what had happened on said day one year ago...it made the pain come back with unexpected intensity and he cursed his best friend for reminding him of this awful day. He still went to the party, too proud to admit to his own weakness when it came to a certain doe-eyed young man.

He asked Lily, a colleague and close friend of his, to accompany him to the party because he assumed most would show up with a plus one and he simply didn't feel like going alone. Sure, his best friend was there but Magnus was the one throwing the party, he had to mingle with the guests and he was social butterfly anyway, unable to not chat to other people at a party.

There were a lot of people in the spacious loft and Raphael spotted a few familiar faces, politely reciprocated a few greetings and lead the way to the small bar in the back of his best friend's apartment. Lily had her arm looped through Raphael's to not get lost in the crowd and because she felt just as uncomfortable getting too close to strangers than Raphael himself did. They were very alike in many aspects and Lily liked to joke that maybe they had been twins in another life.

Magnus, who was currently manning the bar and giving out colourful drinks while chatting with his guests, greeted them with a beaming smile and rounded the bar to pull Raphael into a way too tight hug.

"Welcome back in New York and happy Valentine's, darling," the taller man greeted him, even pressing a kiss to Raphael's temple who rolled his eyes fondly at Magnus's ridiculous antics. His best friend had always been pretty touchy-feely with people important to him and sometimes Raphael felt like the other was more like a second mother than a best friend to him.

"You look good, my friend. And, Lily, it's nice seeing you again as well. You look gorgeous as usual," Magnus directed his attention to the petite woman by Raphael's side, dramatically kissing the back of her hand and grinning playfully when Lily huffed in fake annoyance while her lips curled into the faintest of grins.

"It's good to see you, too. And to know that you haven't changed a bit," she replied with the hint of laughter in her voice, sidestepping a guy who shuffled a little too close so her shoulder ended up pressed against Raphael's.

"I know I'm going to regret the decision but how about you get us something to drink?" Raphael suggested and he knew it would have been wiser to choose a drink instead of leaving it up to Magnus but the other's wide smile and obvious happiness about being allowed to decide the nature of the drink was actually kind of worth the sacrifice of having to taste one of the other's weird concoctions once again. Admittedly, Magnus was pretty good a mixing drinks but sometimes, when you gave him free reign, he could go a little overboard especially with the amount of alcohol added to said drinks.

"Raphael?"

He barely kept his body from tensing up at the sound of Simon's voice and he was tempted to just ignore it but he supposed the adult thing to do was turn around, greet the other and have some polite small talk, hiding the pain that was spreading like wildfire through his veins. One year and he had thought he was well on his way to get over the other but here he was, with Simon saying his name and every wall he had built seemed to crumble in a matter of seconds.

"Simon, good evening," Raphael finally greeted the younger man and tried to hide the way his breath caught in his throat when he laid eyes on the other. Simon was as beautiful as he remembered, even more so. His usually messy hair was styled for once, a dress shirt hugging his slightly more toned chest instead of a graphic shirt but he still wore the same pair of glasses that always slipped down his nose. The gesture of Simon reaching up to push said glasses further up his nose was still painfully familiar and Raphael wanted to bat the other's hand away, tell him to stop reminding him of _his_ Simon.

"You're looking good," Simon said with a faint smile, clearly trying to hide his nerves but his eyes flickered to Lily and back, fingers jittery with the need to tug at his clothes or rub against his thighs or neck, giving away the fact that he was probably feeling as uncomfortable as Raphael in this situation.

"You too." Raphael suddenly longed for the too sugary, too alcoholic drink Magnus was surely mixing right now because his throat felt too dry, tongue heavy and sticking to the roof of his mouth. He should have expected Simon to be at this party as well, should have thought of asking Magnus about it before agreeing to come. Simon's best friend was in a relationship with the sister of Magnus's fiancé and Simon always tagged along wherever Clary went. Sure, now that he was back in New York he couldn't hide from his ex forever but he hadn't been mentally prepared to meet Simon again this soon after his return. He wasn't ready yet.

"Hi, I'm Lily," Raphael's company of the evening introduced herself, clearly trying to loosen the tense and horribly awkward mood a little by diverting the attention to herself. She smiled at Simon, offering her hand to shake the young man's hand who introduced himself as well - his eyes briefly finding Raphael's with an unspoken question.

"I know who you are, Simon. I have heard about you," Lily replied with a slightly too sweet smile and Raphael regretted telling her about what had happened. They had been good friends for quite a while and when he suddenly transferred to London, of course she had wanted to know the cause. He had caved pretty quickly, though explaining the situation only briefly, but they had become closer friends ever since, even over the distance between America and England.

"Uh, right." Simon started to become a little more fidgety now, gaze sweeping over the surroundings before they finally landed back on Raphael, eyes wide and almost pleading.

"Can we...can we talk? I'm sorry, this is probably rude, I didn't mean to disturb. I'm probably disturbing? I'm--I better get back to...wherever," he stuttered, back paddling immediately and awkwardly gesturing towards the room filled with people dancing to some generic pop song to indicate _wherever_.

Raphael knew he should now; tell Simon he was indeed disturbing and that this wasn't the right time or that he simply didn't want to talk. But he had always been way too soft and forgiving when it came to Simon. Despite the other breaking his heart and causing him a great amount of pain, he still felt drawn to the other man and was incapable of pushing him away again.

"We can talk," Raphael heard himself say, surprising both of them. He took another short breath, glanced at Lily who frowned at him but kept quiet - her eyes telling him that this was a stupid idea and he shouldn't do it but he already knew that.

Simon stared at him, wide-eyed, opening and closing his mouth a few times because he was clearly taken aback by the unexpected agreement. Raphael resisted the urge to roll his eyes before telling Lily that he would be right back and gestured for Simon to follow him - even after one year of being away, Magnus's loft still felt like a second home to him and he led his ex towards the fortunately empty balcony. It was a little too cold to spend time outside and the party guests, therefore, preferred to stay inside where it was warm.

Raphael ignored the goosebumps immediately visible on Simon's bare arms as soon as they stepped outside, resisted the urge to slip out of his suit jacket and offer it to the other like he would have done when they were still kind of together. Maybe they hadn't even been a real couple back then? Maybe it had all been in his head, the thought that they were something serious and on the same page with where their relationship had been headed. It surely seemed that way in retrospective.

"I heard you went to work in a branch office in London for the past year?" Simon asked and Raphael already regretted agreeing to this talk. He suddenly longed for the noise of the party and horrendous chart music that was currently blocked by the thick glass door leading to the balcony. He leant against the bannister, looking down to the still busy streets of Brooklyn and the sparkling lights that prevented the city from being swallowed up by the darkness of the night.

"What is your point, Simon?" His voice came out rougher than intended, question harsh and pressing Simon to just say what he had wanted to say so they could get over this already. Raphael felt the same exhaustion from one year ago settle in his bones already and he wished to be back home, to curl up in his bed and hide from the world, to keep on pretending that his feelings were a thing of the past.

"I...I want to apologise. I know I made a lot of mistakes and that I screwed up royally when I basically broke up with you or caused you to break up with me. I'm not even sure who broke up with whom back then," he still had the tendency to start rambling when he was nervous, hand rubbing the side of his neck and teeth worrying his bottom lip.

"My point is," Simon interrupted himself, taking a deep breath of the crisp air, "that I regret it. Ending things with you was by far the biggest mistake I ever made and I'm not expecting you to take me back but I owe you this. I owe _us_ this, I guess. I was dumb and...I thought I didn't know what I wanted and maybe I was scared of screwing up, stupid as it may sound. You know the whole story with Maia and Izzy, how I didn't know whom to choose and almost made the colossal mistake of trying to figure it out by dating both of them at the same time. It was moronic and in the end, I was glad I ended up dating neither of them because I realised it had been the idea of a relationship that I had been after, not a relationship with either of the girls."

Raphael kept his eyes focused on the lights below, biting back a comment about how he didn't care about any of this. How he didn't want to hear or think about Simon dating other people because it was still too painful to let go of _them_.

"I think, in a way, I was afraid that this was a repetition of that. That I was in love with the idea of a relationship with you and the comfort of having someone to come home to but that I wasn't in love with you. It probably doesn't make any sense and I don't really get it either but it made sense to me a year ago. I never meant to hurt you and I never said those words back because I thought _what if I suddenly realise I don't mean them the way I'm supposed to?_ "

"Why are you telling me all of this, Simon?" Raphael sounded as tired as he felt, emotionally exhausted despite only listening to the other ramble. It hurt, this hint of _more_ and _longing_ in the other's words, each of them piercing right in his chest, causing his heart to bleed once again.

"Because you deserve to know that I was wrong. It wasn't the idea of a relationship or the idea of you that I was in love with but _you_. I loved you and I was just too stupid and scared to realise, I didn't see it until it was already too late. You were gone and I didn't know how to contact you. Magnus was the only one who knew your contact information and he still hates me for what I did to you," Simon replied with a helpless desperation in his voice, stepping closer to Raphael without even realising it. And Raphael found himself incapable of stepping away. Instead, he finally turned around to face the other properly, face carefully blank while his heart was thrumming a nervous rhythm against his ribs.

"I loved you. _I still love you_. And I wish I could turn back time and say it back when it still mattered; when I still had a chance," Simon breathed into the cold air, eyes clouding over with a mist of tears he didn't allow to fall. His eyes reflected the lights of the city, pupils wide and scared but his whole expression was so vulnerable and open that Raphael couldn't help but reach out. Simon flinched the tiniest bit when Raphael's fingertips brushed his slightly cool cheek before he pressed into the contact, nuzzling into the palm of Raphael's hand and taking another small step towards the shorter man.

"It still does. It still matters. _You_ still matter," Raphael admitted, his words almost too soft to be heard. Simon's beautiful eyes widened some more, shaky fingers reaching out to touch the front of Raphael's jacket before carefully curling into the soft material.

"I know I don't deserve another chance and that it's a lot to ask but...I want to...I want you back and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make you forgive me. If there's still the smallest chance for me, I want to take it."

The shaky sound of Simon's voice caused Raphael's heart to break a little and his fingers curled around the back of the other's neck, pulling him closer with the need to soothe and forgive.

"Then take it," Raphael whispered and he knew it would take some time for him to be able to forgive Simon but he knew that he would get there. He would be able to forgive this man because he wanted to believe that his heart wouldn't get crushed a second time and because the raw honesty in Simon's eyes when he finally confessed his feeling immediately drew him back in.

The small sound Simon made in reply to his words almost resembled a sob but it was muffled by their lips crashing together. Kissing Simon again felt like drowning and breathing at the same time and Raphael didn't know who made the whimpering noise but it didn't matter either way because Simon was back in his arms and maybe this time it wouldn't end with shattered hearts.


End file.
